Last year, a single friend sent me an article that troubled her. The author, Tracy McMillan—a television writer who’d recently published a memoir about her own complicated history with marriage—argued fiercely that if you wanted to be married by now, and you weren’t, it was because you were either a bitch, a slut, too shallow, a liar, too selfish, or else you didn’t believe you were good enough. “The problem is not men,” she wrote. “It’s you.”

No doubt McMillan intended to be brash, like a tough love intervention delivered by the wisecracking best friend on a situation comedy. She was resisting the narrative of female victimhood, empowering the woman who doesn’t have what she wants to accept that she is not at the mercy of men or fate, but does have the power to change her situation. She also resisted the notion that marriage is the triumphant end many women believe it is: “for us, [marriage] is the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.” Instead, McMillan reasonably notes that marriage is not about getting something, but about giving. continue →

See if this sounds familiar – you meet someone. They are amazing. They tell you, you are amazing. You text them. They don’t text you back for days. Just at the moment you are ready to say fuck this shit, they write you a beautiful message. You are hooked. They get busy, pull away, and say they are confused. You heart jerks back and forth. It’s clear they like you – the kissing, the emotional vulnerability, the compliments. But they always seem just out of reach, a ghost. So you write them a couple extra times for every time they write you. Maybe they are shy? Maybe they weren’t hugged enough as kids – you can help them out! You send them little presents and they say thank you. Encouraged you call them again – no answer. But that’s weird – they are online, why won’t they answer? Do they even like you? You have to know. So you send them a chat. But they go offline, so you call but then hang up and text. Damn. That text was stupid, so you send another explaining. Then they freak out and say you are smothering them and since this is the first freaking message you’ve heard all month, you are shocked and hurt – why couldn’t they just say what they needed in the first place? continue →

If you want a truly depressing, soul-sucking experience, Google “dating blogs,” and spend an afternoon sifting through the volumes of formulaic, prepackaged advice floating out there on the web. I did. And three showers later, I still feel dirty. Most of these blog posts feature a stock photo of a couple in bed, staring off in different directions. The advice often comes in numerical form (7 pajama patterns that will turn off your lover, 3 Things to Ask on Your 7th Date, 184 Signs Your Mistress is Cheating on You…) There was one article like this in particular I came across several times: 5 Steps to Getting Your Ex Back. In fact, I discovered entire websites dedicated to this genre. So I thought I’d give a crack at it. continue →

One of the biggest problems people face when dating is getting stuck in the friend zone. The idea of the friend zone and its perils is so popular there are internet memes, a gazillion articles on how to avoid it, several music videos and even a show on MTV. Briefly defined, the Friend Zone is a metaphorical land in which someone you want to date would rather “just be friends.” According to all the wisdom of the Interwebs, once you’re in the friend zone, it’s all but impossible to escape.

But here’s the thing—the Friend Zone isn’t the problem. Lots of people have friendships with attractive interesting people and they don’t lie awake all night being tortured about it. Being friends with people of the gender you are fond of is REALLY good for your emotional development and social standing. Friends are a lot less drama and a great reality check when you really need it.

So this leads to a really important question—if the Friend Zone isn’t the problem, then why does it SEEM like the friend zone is the problem? continue →